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Honest Talk About the Sexual Experience
© By Heike Berens
When it comes to the subject of sex, times have definitely changed demonstrated by the fact that it always is a hot topic. However, for the most part, honest talk about sex is still pretty taboo. While many people talk about sex, they don’t usually discuss what’s really going on for them nor do they know what’s really going on for others. This leads many people to question whether what they are feeling or experiencing is normal. Then on top of stressing over what they are feeling, a great number of people wonder if they’re “getting it right.”
The Greatest Deterrent to Enjoyable Sex
As a therapist and sex counsellor, I receive inquiries about sex from people around the world and from all walks of life and what I have discovered is the greatest deterrent to good sex is the stress factor in regard to “getting it right.” Couples are concerned about whether they are having the right kind of orgasm, at the right time and in the right positions. Today, we hear so much talk about multiple or simultaneous orgasms with individuals forever searching for that elusive G-Spot orgasm spurred on by various articles in magazines. The biggest drawback to that search is that most people forget that this is only a theory and it might not even exist. If couples are not experiencing what magazines promote, they could be left feeling more stress. And because of the stress, the sexual experience for them is not what they hoped it would be. In fact, what most people don’t realize is that stress is the one thing that gets in the way of genuinely enjoying intimacy.
Is There a Norm When it Comes to Sex?
According to Leonore Tiefer in her book "Sex is not Natural" – we often think that “sex is a simple, universal, biological function and without any training, all humans should experience, enjoy and perform approximately the same way.” She further states that there are many meanings of “normal” depending on whether we are looking at in the way of subjective, statistical, idealistic, cultural or clinical points of view. What does Ms. Tiefer mean about sex not being natural? My interpretation of Ms. Tiefer’s point of view is that there is no cookie-cutter approach to a good sex life. Since everyone is different, we need to educate ourselves, do our own research, experiment and find out what it is that we like. We must accept the fact that whenever we are learning anything, we are going to make mistakes. But through experimentation, we can eventually figure out what we like and what we don't like. In order to achieve that state, we need to know ourselves, be comfortable with our bodies and ourselves and know our own agendas. By agenda, I mean we need to know what is it we want to experience and what drives us. Above all, we need to question what sex means for us as individuals and we need to know how sex affects our relationships.
Sexual Education
Unfortunately, for many people, the only sexual education they get comes from the all too accessible Internet porn sites, which many people mistakenly take as reality. Regrettably, some people that watch sex on the Internet think that they should behave in the same way as the actors they see on screen. But what people see on screen is not necessarily real, but is rather a fantasy. This fantasy can serve many purposes, but in my view, sexual education is not one of them, nor is it the key to true intimacy. To experience true intimacy is to be truly vulnerable. It is being able to let another person know you fully, warts and all, trusting that they will accept you for the person you are. It is being able to communicate one’s needs to our partner. True sexual intimacy is being with a partner who brings out your best. It also means being safe enough to experiment and comfortably discover each other. Genuine intimacy means opening up to learn about arousal of self and of one’s partner – gaining insight into where men and women’s responses are different. Once we understand these differences, we embrace them.
A Meaningful Relationship
David Schnarch in his book "Passionate Marriage," speaks about differentiation in a relationship. He explains that it is a "balancing of two basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness. Individuality propels us to follow our own directives, to be on our own, to create a unique identity. Togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of others. When these two life forces are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, the result is a meaningful relationship. “
Becoming Whole and Enjoying Sex
What does that mean in the context of sex? It means that sex is not separate from our beingness but is instead a part of who we are and how we show up. The true calling in life is to become whole by being all of who we can be. To truly enjoy the sexual experience, the answer is usually to start by healing your heart and leaving old baggage behind. Once we know and love ourselves, we can open up to the other person, create intimacy and with it a fulfilling and satisfying sex life. |
