Celebrating Or Indulging Our Sadness Is Healthy 
 ©  By Heike Berens

I can say with almost complete certainty that almost anyone reading the title of this article would find the idea of celebrating or indulging their sadness somewhat peculiar. Yet, as a counsellor/coach who cultivates and encourages ways to gain more joy and satisfaction from intimate relationships, I believe accepting and embracing our sadness is crucial to living a full life.

Happiness Has Become an Obsession

As a society; we are bombarded with information about being happy, so much so that the idea of happiness has become an obsession for most people. Of course, everyone wants to be happy and it’s a goal that’s important to strive towards, yet in our pursuit of what we believe is happiness, we often overlook something very important: our emotions. We suppress and sometimes discount the full scope of our emotions, but in truth, emotions are actually the driving and supportive force towards happiness.

Denial of Emotions through the Eyes of a Dieter

An analogy that clearly explains what I mean about suppressing our emotions would be best explained by watching the person who wants to lose weight and who goes on a very strict diet. Chocolate cake becomes the enemy and must be eliminated at all costs. However, in a weak moment that person succumbs to the temptation, slipping up on his or her diet and rushing to indulge and binge on just the very thing they think they must give up. Once a person goes to that place of indulgence, they find it extremely difficult to get back on track. In contrast, had that person allowed themselves a small portion of chocolate cake, instead of denying themselves altogether, they would have satisfied the urge for chocolate cake and more quickly and easily been able to stay on track.

Ebbs and Flows of Life

By the same token, we think that all feelings of sadness or unhappiness are the enemy and that if we experience these emotions there must be something wrong with us. Once experiencing these so called uncomfortable emotions, we scramble around trying to stop anything that smacks of sadness, holding back tears and pretending to be all smiles. But, no one can keep that up forever, as life is made up of ebbs and flows, just like the waves of the ocean. The tide comes in and the tide goes out. Sometimes, for no apparent reason or for a very good reason, we feel sad, and when sadness hits, many people lose their way. Thinking that something is amiss, they immediately try to suppress these so-called “bad” feelings because they think they are wrong. Just like the chocolate cake and binge eating, the more we try to push away these feelings the harder it is to climb out of the hole. And once there, we feel terrified of not being able to rid ourselves of the sadness that we feel inside.

What are Feelings and Emotions?

The real truth is that feelings and emotions are simply that: feelings and emotions. They come and go, move through us just like “visitors". The following beautiful poem by Rumi called “The Guesthouse,” describes it best.


The Guest House

This being human is a guesthouse.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

As Rumi so eloquently puts, there is nothing to be afraid of and no need to push emotions away. Yet, many people feel the need to keep busy, take yoga classes, meditate and stay on the move, making every effort to hide their feelings and rid themselves of emotions entirely. However, when we push hard against our emotions, we are not allowing ourselves to be, mostly because we fear what we perceive as that horrible feeling of sadness. If instead, we could just be with all of our emotions and not make any one of them wrong or bad, we would have much smoother sailing. In fact, if we just let our feelings and emotions come and go, we would find the balance in our lives that we all yearn for, plus we would feel more alive. Plainly stated, pushing our emotions away keeps them there for a longer period of time. Consequently, when we allow ourselves to surrender into the sadness without resistance, it leaves much sooner.

The Fear of Sadness

Based on my years of working with clients, I have found that people are afraid to feel sadness because they think it will last forever. Some people have held back their sadness for so long they think the dam will burst and they won’t be able to stop the sadness. Nothing could be further from the truth. The only time that sadness is not healthy is when someone feels sad all the time. That person is usually someone who has not dealt with any feelings from childhood or perhaps they haven’t sought out a way to gain emotional strength or they might be suffering from a clinical condition. A person who is emotionally healthy is comfortable with his or her own sadness. They know it’s a healthy sign to express sadness because that person is in touch with all their feelings.

An Emotionally Healthy Person

To define an emotionally healthy person, my interpretation would be a person who has the ability to feel and express all their emotions without fear. An emotionally healthy person has the ability to celebrate or indulge their sadness because they know that sadness is not long lasting. Once a person feels their sadness, they can trust that it will disappear. It is a truism that when we feel our emotions without suppressing them the emotion dissipates. As we deal with sadness in a healthy way, we are being true to our emotions and ourselves. We can receive the insights and gifts our emotions have to offer and by doing so, we’re helping to make room for lots more happiness.