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One challenge a lot of my clients in stepfamilies face is space – enough space for all family members to live, breathe and retreat from each other.
If money wasn’t an issue and you had a magic wand, what would your perfect home look like?
I’d really like to hear from you – your ideas, your dreams – what is the perfect home for a step/blended family..
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Honest Talk About the Sexual Experience
© By Heike Berens
When it comes to the subject of sex, times have definitely changed demonstrated by the fact that it always is a hot topic. However, for the most part, honest talk about sex is still pretty taboo. While many people talk about sex, they don’t usually discuss what’s really going on for them nor do they know what’s really going on for others. This leads many people to question whether what they are feeling or experiencing is normal. Then on top of stressing over what they are feeling, a great number of people wonder if they’re “getting it right.”
The Greatest Deterrent to Enjoyable Sex
As a therapist and sex counsellor, I receive inquiries about sex from people around the world and from all walks of life and what I have discovered is the greatest deterrent to good sex is the stress factor in regard to “getting it right.” Couples are concerned about whether they are having the right kind of orgasm, at the right time and in the right positions. Today, we hear so much talk about multiple or simultaneous orgasms with individuals forever searching for that elusive G-Spot orgasm spurred on by various articles in magazines. The biggest drawback to that search is that most people forget that this is only a theory and it might not even exist. If couples are not experiencing what magazines promote, they could be left feeling more stress. And because of the stress, the sexual experience for them is not what they hoped it would be. In fact, what most people don’t realize is that stress is the one thing that gets in the way of genuinely enjoying intimacy.
Is There a Norm When it Comes to Sex?
According to Leonore Tiefer in her book "Sex is not Natural" – we often think that “sex is a simple, universal, biological function and without any training, all humans should experience, enjoy and perform approximately the same way.” She further states that there are many meanings of “normal” depending on whether we are looking at in the way of subjective, statistical, idealistic, cultural or clinical points of view. What does Ms. Tiefer mean about sex not being natural? My interpretation of Ms. Tiefer’s point of view is that there is no cookie-cutter approach to a good sex life. Since everyone is different, we need to educate ourselves, do our own research, experiment and find out what it is that we like. We must accept the fact that whenever we are learning anything, we are going to make mistakes. But through experimentation, we can eventually figure out what we like and what we don't like. In order to achieve that state, we need to know ourselves, be comfortable with our bodies and ourselves and know our own agendas. By agenda, I mean we need to know what is it we want to experience and what drives us. Above all, we need to question what sex means for us as individuals and we need to know how sex affects our relationships.
Sexual Education
Unfortunately, for many people, the only sexual education they get comes from the all too accessible Internet porn sites, which many people mistakenly take as reality. Regrettably, some people that watch sex on the Internet think that they should behave in the same way as the actors they see on screen. But what people see on screen is not necessarily real, but is rather a fantasy. This fantasy can serve many purposes, but in my view, sexual education is not one of them, nor is it the key to true intimacy. To experience true intimacy is to be truly vulnerable. It is being able to let another person know you fully, warts and all, trusting that they will accept you for the person you are. It is being able to communicate one’s needs to our partner. True sexual intimacy is being with a partner who brings out your best. It also means being safe enough to experiment and comfortably discover each other. Genuine intimacy means opening up to learn about arousal of self and of one’s partner – gaining insight into where men and women’s responses are different. Once we understand these differences, we embrace them.
A Meaningful Relationship
David Schnarch in his book "Passionate Marriage," speaks about differentiation in a relationship. He explains that it is a "balancing of two basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness. Individuality propels us to follow our own directives, to be on our own, to create a unique identity. Togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of others. When these two life forces are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, the result is a meaningful relationship. “
Becoming Whole and Enjoying Sex
What does that mean in the context of sex? It means that sex is not separate from our beingness but is instead a part of who we are and how we show up. The true calling in life is to become whole by being all of who we can be. To truly enjoy the sexual experience, the answer is usually to start by healing your heart and leaving old baggage behind. Once we know and love ourselves, we can open up to the other person, create intimacy and with it a fulfilling and satisfying sex life.
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Working Through Conflict and Improving Your Relationships
© By Heike Berens
In recent times, the economical upheaval and apprehension of what may still come has placed many of us under quite a bit of undue tension. As human beings, we are not comfortable when things are unpredictable or when we don’t know what is going to happen, which means tension builds, often spreading into our relationships, particularly with those closest to us. With that kind of stress in our every day lives, we end up having more disagreements and arguments as well as a great deal of misery. But it doesn’t have to be that way. While it may take a bit of effort and the willingness to look at things a little differently, we do have the power to break the cycle of conflict and improve upon our relationships.
Breaking the Cycle
So, where and how do we begin to stop the cycle of conflict? We begin by first recognizing the most important aspect of conflict, which is acknowledging that conflict by itself is not a bad thing. Conflict just means we are not in agreement with the other person. And although many people are terrified of conflict, especially in close relationships, conflict allows us to learn more about the other person and about ourselves. Why are people afraid of conflict? Mostly because they learned from early on that fighting is bad. We’re told to aim for “total bliss,” a myth that has spread throughout our society. Of course we need and want relationships that are harmonious, but without some conflict, we are stopped from growing as individuals as well as in our relationships. If everyone were in total agreement, think about how dreary and humdrum life would be.
How to Look at Conflict in a Constructive Way
After accepting the fact that we have our differences, we need to take action in a way that allows us to use the tension or conflict in a more positive way. In other words, we want to look at conflict in a constructive manner. We begin by recognizing tension for what it is: strain, nervousness, agitation or apprehension. Tension evolves from an unhealthy sequence of events that usually makes us reactive. However, where there is a real situation of conflict, it can be resolved or at least negotiated. Consequently, the first step is to accept the situation exactly as it is, without forming any particular opinion about the situation.
Observe What Is Happening
Stop for a moment and see the situation or the problem by simply observing what is happening. For example, consider the following scenarios. Your live in partner has decided to move out after years of cohabitating. Your wife or husband has filed for divorce. You don’t feel accepted as a stepparent. Your boss wants you to do things in a certain way and you are tired of trying to please her. These are just a few situations that might be causing tension and conflict in your life. And most of the time, when a conflict occurs, we resist it. But when we resist the facts and we unconsciously try to change the facts without success, we may become angry, frustrated and resentful. Once we are in that place, we become a victim of circumstances. We then blame the other person, the circumstances and even the universe.
See the Situation Differently
For most people, when a situation presents itself that we don’t like, we assume, we are correct in our evaluation of the situation. However, to use conflict effectively, we have to remember that for any given event or any experience, we “choose” the way we see the event or experience. The meaning becomes relevant to us and the pain starts with the meaning we have assigned to the facts. Let’s suppose a relationship breaks up and the couple gets a divorce. Or perhaps you are living in a stepparent environment and your stepchild ignores you when you come into the room. Those are the plain facts! We might think to ourselves: “I’m not good enough” – “I’m a terrible spouse and that’s why he or she left me.” “My step child hates me. I’m never respected.” Once we are aware that we choose the meaning of the situation, we can change how we see it and let it take us to the next step. When we take the focus off of ourselves, we step into the other person’s shoes. We then see the world through another’s eyes, which immediately alters the situation.
Stepping Outside of Yourself
Letting go of our position and lookingat things from another point of view is not easy and I’m not saying it can happen immediately. However, when you step outside of yourself, you just might be able to see that the step child could feel insecure around you, simply because he or she doesn’t know you well enough. You might also stop and remember that when you were a teenager, you only wanted to talk to your friends and not to your parents. Or in the relationship scenario, if you were honest with yourself, you would probably have to admit that the relationship hadn’t been working all that well for quite some time. When you look at the whole picture, you are able to see that your relationship has been unhappy for a long time. When you can see the situation from another vantage point, it enables you to feel compassion for the other person and for what they are experiencing, which puts your own hurt and pain into perspective.
Being Calm and Level Headed
Of course, it is much easier to be generous and objective when we are calm and have had a chance to think things through. Oftentimes, it helps to take time out to recover before you can explore this idea of changing your perception. Nonetheless, if you want to release the pain of conflict, you have to see the conflict from another perspective. Taking this step and trying to view the situation through the other person’s eyes will very often result in a breakthrough. At Stepfamilies Australia, we conduct courses in a program called “Making Stepfamilies Work.” During these courses we spend a great deal of time looking at all the different perspectives within a stepfamily because we know from experience, healing often comes when there is an understanding about what is going on for all the people involved. This strategy is one of the most powerful ways of working through conflict and improving relationships.
A New Perspective Means a New Outlook
Once wehave this new outlook, we are able to see our role in being a co-creator of the actual situation. We can then discover the role we played in the situation. Maybe we didn’t set firm boundaries around what we wanted. Perhaps we had not communicated our needs and wishes. Possibly we expected the other person to read our minds or know our feelings. Once we are able to see how we participated in the problem, we are one step closer to freeing ourselves from conflict. Plainly stated, we are no longer a victim of our circumstances, but are more in control of our lives. We are then able to see other options that lead us to a happier and more fulfilled life.
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Celebrating Or Indulging Our Sadness Is Healthy
© By Heike Berens
I can say with almost complete certainty that almost anyone reading the title of this article would find the idea of celebrating or indulging their sadness somewhat peculiar. Yet, as a counsellor/coach who cultivates and encourages ways to gain more joy and satisfaction from intimate relationships, I believe accepting and embracing our sadness is crucial to living a full life.
Happiness Has Become an Obsession
As a society; we are bombarded with information about being happy, so much so that the idea of happiness has become an obsession for most people. Of course, everyone wants to be happy and it’s a goal that’s important to strive towards, yet in our pursuit of what we believe is happiness, we often overlook something very important: our emotions. We suppress and sometimes discount the full scope of our emotions, but in truth, emotions are actually the driving and supportive force towards happiness.
Denial of Emotions through the Eyes of a Dieter
An analogy that clearly explains what I mean about suppressing our emotions would be best explained by watching the person who wants to lose weight and who goes on a very strict diet. Chocolate cake becomes the enemy and must be eliminated at all costs. However, in a weak moment that person succumbs to the temptation, slipping up on his or her diet and rushing to indulge and binge on just the very thing they think they must give up. Once a person goes to that place of indulgence, they find it extremely difficult to get back on track. In contrast, had that person allowed themselves a small portion of chocolate cake, instead of denying themselves altogether, they would have satisfied the urge for chocolate cake and more quickly and easily been able to stay on track.
Ebbs and Flows of Life
By the same token, we think that all feelings of sadness or unhappiness are the enemy and that if we experience these emotions there must be something wrong with us. Once experiencing these so called uncomfortable emotions, we scramble around trying to stop anything that smacks of sadness, holding back tears and pretending to be all smiles. But, no one can keep that up forever, as life is made up of ebbs and flows, just like the waves of the ocean. The tide comes in and the tide goes out. Sometimes, for no apparent reason or for a very good reason, we feel sad, and when sadness hits, many people lose their way. Thinking that something is amiss, they immediately try to suppress these so-called “bad” feelings because they think they are wrong. Just like the chocolate cake and binge eating, the more we try to push away these feelings the harder it is to climb out of the hole. And once there, we feel terrified of not being able to rid ourselves of the sadness that we feel inside.
What are Feelings and Emotions?
The real truth is that feelings and emotions are simply that: feelings and emotions. They come and go, move through us just like “visitors". The following beautiful poem by Rumi called “The Guesthouse,” describes it best.
The Guest House
This being human is a guesthouse.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
As Rumi so eloquently puts, there is nothing to be afraid of and no need to push emotions away. Yet, many people feel the need to keep busy, take yoga classes, meditate and stay on the move, making every effort to hide their feelings and rid themselves of emotions entirely. However, when we push hard against our emotions, we are not allowing ourselves to be, mostly because we fear what we perceive as that horrible feeling of sadness. If instead, we could just be with all of our emotions and not make any one of them wrong or bad, we would have much smoother sailing. In fact, if we just let our feelings and emotions come and go, we would find the balance in our lives that we all yearn for, plus we would feel more alive. Plainly stated, pushing our emotions away keeps them there for a longer period of time. Consequently, when we allow ourselves to surrender into the sadness without resistance, it leaves much sooner.
The Fear of Sadness
Based on my years of working with clients, I have found that people are afraid to feel sadness because they think it will last forever. Some people have held back their sadness for so long they think the dam will burst and they won’t be able to stop the sadness. Nothing could be further from the truth. The only time that sadness is not healthy is when someone feels sad all the time. That person is usually someone who has not dealt with any feelings from childhood or perhaps they haven’t sought out a way to gain emotional strength or they might be suffering from a clinical condition. A person who is emotionally healthy is comfortable with his or her own sadness. They know it’s a healthy sign to express sadness because that person is in touch with all their feelings.
An Emotionally Healthy Person
To define an emotionally healthy person, my interpretation would be a person who has the ability to feel and express all their emotions without fear. An emotionally healthy person has the ability to celebrate or indulge their sadness because they know that sadness is not long lasting. Once a person feels their sadness, they can trust that it will disappear. It is a truism that when we feel our emotions without suppressing them the emotion dissipates. As we deal with sadness in a healthy way, we are being true to our emotions and ourselves. We can receive the insights and gifts our emotions have to offer and by doing so, we’re helping to make room for lots more happiness.
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How to Survive Christmas after Divorce
© By Heike Berens
It’s that time of year again, with the holidays looming large before us and a particularly challenging time for those who are separated, divorced or experiencing difficulties in a relationship. Perhaps this is your first Christmas alone after a long-term relationship or maybe it’s your 10th Christmas on your own. Regardless of whether it’s a new experience or an old one, you are very possibly dreading the holidays. As a counselor and divorced person myself, I by no means intend to minimize the challenge of facing Christmas without a partner, because I know first hand that it can be very difficult, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Preparing for the Holidays
It seems that no matter how much we try to prepare ourselves, when the holidays begin, many people feel like hiding in a cave. What makes it even more difficult is seeing all the TV images that show blissful people and families spending happy moments together. Messages of love, peace and joy are thrown at us at every turn. So, to you, who are now facing the holiday on your own, it might feel as if you are the only person in the world fending for yourself. But, let me assure you, you are not alone. While TV ads make it all look fabulous, the holidays are actually a difficult time for countless numbers of people even for those who may be in relationship.
How to Beat the Holiday Blues
While it may seem that you are stuck with the bad feelings surrounding the so-called festivities, there are things you can do to make the holidays a little less stressful. To beat the holiday blues, try adopting a few of the following ideas, as they may have a positive impact on the way you move forward with your life.
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Begin by knowing that more than likely there will be some sadness if this is your first holiday alone.
Be okay with the sadness. Remember, what you resist, persists, so if you start to feel sad, keep in mind that sadness is just another emotion, If you allow yourself to feel the sadness without running away from it, it will pass through you more quickly. Once you let yourself feel your feelings, you’ll make room for other happier feelings that will take the place of the sadness.
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Have the courage to reach out to family members and friends. It’s okay to let people know that you’d like to spend time with them since this is your first holiday alone. Or better yet, invite them to your house and host the celebration. If neither is possible, make yourself available to those who may also be alone for the holidays, or volunteer for a charity where you are making a contribution of yourself. Giving is one of the best ways of diminishing the lonely feelings.
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If you’re a single parent, now is a good time to start a new tradition with your children and watch it lift your spirits.
A woman I know started a tradition of reading a special Christmas story each night to her children. The kids loved it and looked forward to a new story every evening. It was such a success, she compiled the best Christmas stories ever told and had it published. Perhaps you and your kids could do something similar or possibly you could gather together and make ornaments that signify the beginning of a new life. If the children are old enough, ask them for their ideas for making Christmas a little brighter. You’d be surprised at how creative children can be. Whatever you decide, use this opportunity to “try on” new ways of spending the festive days in a more satisfying way.
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Pay attention to the choices that have led you to where you are right now and see all the changes you’ve already made in your life. Pat yourself on the back and acknowledge yourself for all the inroads you have made. It takes courage to make changes, and you’ve proven that you have that kind of courage. Each year will bring new experiences and every Christmas will get easier and more enjoyable.
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Ask yourself whether there are any new choices you can make that will propel you in the direction of a more inspiring future. When you get your answer, don’t be afraid to take a few chances and run with them. Starting a new life can be very exciting, especially when you relax and allow yourself to enjoy the changes. Take a few risks and watch how good you will feel.
Bear in mind that the holidays last for a short while, so put them in proper perspective. Instead of throwing the holidays out of proportion, remember that before long, things will be back to normal.
Why not use the holidays as a way of setting the ground work for your new beginning. Make up your mind that you’re going to show up differently in your life and your relationships. As Debbie Ford says in her book, The Right Questions, “Every choice we make leads us in one of two directions. We are headed either towards a future that inspires us or toward a past that limits us.”
Which direction are you headed? Why not use this year’s holiday season to start moving in a new direction. Move into an inspiring new year filled with joy, fulfillment and happiness by giving yourself the gift of healing your heart.
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